Randomly spacific

This is a hard one actually. My home is in foreclosure and I am going to declare bankruptcy. I never thought that this was where I was going with my life. This is not due to my messing up with my business-This is due to a serious injury that kept me out of work in 2003 for 7 months and a series of refinancing on my home trying to regain my footing that I lost being out of work for so long. Then the final blow was being ripped off in January of this year. Six of us from the little show I show at in north county went to Quartzsite to sell in a tent at one of the larger shows. The person running the tent was someone we all trusted and that was selling at the same little show in no. county for more than a year. He lied to us and said he had 23 sellers in that tent and had 7 spaces available so the 6 of us jumped on it. Now I've been selling at craft shows for 35 years and I know if you have 100,000 people coming through a show a day you have the opportunity to make a lot of money. I sunk everything I had as a last ditch effort to make at least 5,000 and most likely a lot more. The crashing blow came when I arrived the day before the show started to set up and found that there was only 2 returning vendors and a total of 9 sellers total--that's including the 6 of us from no. county. I should have turned around and gone home right there and cut my losses. I didn't because you never know it might of worked out--It didn't. We all took a loss, I just had nothing to fall back on and I then couldn't pay any of my bills and so here I am months later and am only making enough to pay utilities, supplies, food and gas for my van, with nothing left over. No money for the mortgage and no money for all the bills (5 credit cards-3 gas cards-3 loans-1 store card and 1 shopping card). I just don't know what to do. I looked for a grant that would get me out of this and save my home and my Bills. I never wanted this to happen.

What is going on?

Had a very bad conversation with my younger son on Tuesday. It ended badly and I was sad about it but oh well. Then after I made some crocheted hats I went on line and there was an e mail from him. Wow it was cutting to the max, and it made me realize that he really doesn't know me at all. He has some pretty bad and insulting ideas about who I am and how I feel. My state of mind isn't all that good since I'm about to loose my home and I have quite a few cats and two dogs one of which is truly in her last days. We never have been able to really get along and I always held out hope that some day we would put the past where it belongs and get on with being friends. I can say now that I'm not so sure that is possible. Or maybe I'm over reacting but I don't think so, it was bad. So after hashing it over for a day I re-read his e mail and responded. Not that it was a defence, I just wanted him to know just how off he was. I'm sure he will just pass it off as me being in denial. Oh well what is a Mom to do? I'm not good when someone backs me into a corner and tries to tell me how I feel. It's always been a sore spot and usually puts me in a space to just unload on them. As I said I'm not good with this type of treatment. He may or may not read the email sine he is leaving for San Diego tomorrow to help a friend with the Del Mar Fair or as it now known The San Diego County Fair. We are supposed to get together sometime while he is here but I'm not so sure that is a good idea now. I feel more like some distance would be best. I really am on the edge with all the stuff I'm going through and walking on glass with someone is not what I want to do or can do at this time. Sometimes two people, even close family members just have a chemical imbalance that they just can't get around. Any way he has said his piece and I have said mine and it will either clear the air or we might spend some time with no communication. He is 27, although very mature for his age he still lacks the life experience that lets you see the differences between people and even embrace those differences. On the other hand if he really has these feelings about me, and is so sure of how he thinks I feel and my life experiences then we have hit a huge obstacle. This is surely not the direction I wanted to go with this son of mine. He has been the difficult one of the two sons I have. My older son was the perfect baby, never cried, woke up from his naps and played until I heard him Laughing. He was so much fun and when he got a little older and we made our trips to Big Sur, he would roll down the car window as we were driving up the mountain road and yell out "Mountain Mamas Coming Home", at the top of his lung capacity. We were very close and happy until we moved to San Diego. He wasn't happy here and eventually turned to drugs which he never got away from. Now he has been in jail several times and his children have been in foster care for quite some time, He is depressed and not working, because if he goes to work the courts will take three quarters of what he makes to pay back for his jail time and for the foster care time. I don't get that because his x-wife (not sure they are X's yet) is working now and is clean and has the kids back with her. Not a good idea I think, but again the younger son says I should get over my negative feelings towards her so I can be a part of their lives. How do you look past all the misery she and my older son put on those kids, and she on my son. I think it takes a bigger person than me. My younger son was the one that cried and screamed from birth until he was 2 years old. I lost my nerves with that one. I thought he must have colicky, but he didn't. There was no medical reason for it. When he got a little older he threw huge fits and chewed anything wood. I was always afraid he would get splinters in his stomach. We had to take everything wood away from him. Then when he got older he let me know he wasn't happy with the fact that I was his Mom and he wanted to go live with this woman that worked the same craft show in the north county as I did. This escalated into such an issue she actually came to me and said she would take him if I was having such a bad time with him and I told her that I hadn't had any problems with him until she came into his life, which made me wonder just what kind of control she had on him. It was a crazy thing. So now that I've gone over board with the explanation of the two sons and the issues with both of them, what else. I don't know? I guess I'm just a Little numb at this point. I can always re-read the two emails but whats the point its done now and there is no turning back now. It makes me wish I could just get out of here and go to Colorado away from everything I know and everyone I know, with the exception of just a few people. Well this is just a happy blog isn't it???????????

OZZFEST FREE TICS.

Ok so this year Ozzy and Sharon have done a super great thing for all the fans that have Loved and Supported Ozzy and Ozzfest, they have given us a free show tour!!! WOW this is amazing. I bought a Pit ticket last year because I wanted to get hozed by Ozzy, and then he didn't play San Diego. I was really sad about that because I really Love him and I haven't been able to be in the pit for a long time. I know my financial trip has been on a down hill slide since I was injured at the bazaar in 03, and out of work for 7 months. It's been a series of re-financing to try to keep me going and now with the rip off in Quartzsite in January, I'm only three months away from being homeless. I can't believe this and I don't want to dwell on it because it makes me crazy with depression. Ok enough of that and back to Ozzfest. I went on line to get my secret code and set my alarm to get up and get coffee and be on line at 10:00am to get my 2 free tickets. It took some time and I was freaked out when at the very last moment my computer bumped me off the page because of the dialup popup. I was so relieved to get the Email that my tickets were secured. The next day I went to the UPS store and printed out my tickets. Yea!!!!!!! Then the next day I got a request to be friends from Jamez999. That was cool-So I went to Ozzy's site and registered and did some posting with about a gasillion others. It's a fun community of like minded people. There were some people doing the cry baby thing because it took to long to get the free tics. So what, the world really isn't an instant gratification trip, sometimes you have to jump through a few hoops to get what you want, but in the end you get it-isn't that what counts? A lot of the posts were against those cry babies and so it should be. Any way I think this should be fun to keep up with. I picked the show in Devore even though I know it will be super hot on July 21st but the venue is a bit bigger and closer that Shoreline. I look forward to finding some more friends on the site, I hope.

Memorial Day Show in Boulder Cr. in the Santa Cruz Mountains

The show itself was a little slow, I came in about $350.00 under my average and with the gas being so much more I spent about a hundred each way for gas. Because of that I wont be making a trip up there untill Aug. for the Cabrillo Music, Art, and Wine show and then camp the week with my Grandkids during the week. On the way home I will be in the Cambria show I hope, because it's the only good one for me. So I drove up to Big Basin on friday night and even though the rangers said the campgroud was full, Sam the ranger I know did a count and found several sites open and I got one in Semperverns camp ground, site 188. Since my van was full I needed to set up my tent to be able to sleep. Sat there were no sites at all, so I drove to just outside the park and pulled to the back of a big turnaround. I waited untill it got dark to put up my curtains and was getting ready to crawl into my sleeping bag when a fairly large animal jumped up onto my hood and then onto my roof. It walked the full length of the roof then turned around and sort of pranced back, down onto my hood and was gone in a flash. I nevere saw it but in the morning there were some pretty large foot prints on my hood and roof. Because of my connections with cats it was a blessing from the big kitty. I think it was a bobcat or small mountain lion since both are found in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Sunday night I got a space in Blooms Cr. site 136 where Jesse and I camped with my grandkids a few years ago. I just slept in my van since it was already set up for it and I still had to worn one more day. Jesse didn't come to help me tear down and it took me untill after nine to get it all done. I had to go into Jonnies to get wood and kindling milk and a few other things for my camping trip. I didn't want to go into town for anything, oh yea and ice since by now the cold packs were not co9old anymore. So I got up to the ranger station late and my name was the only one on the board and they gave mne the camp site I had asaked for in Sempeerverns, 185. This site was the most premo site I've ever had, with a circle of Old Growth Redwoods around the site. I took many pictures and if I could download them onto my computere I woulod but they are not digital so I don't think I can. So on tuesday I got some neighbors across from me, the girld name in Jesse and her frient was Jim. We went on a long hike on thursday even though Jim and I have the same disabilities. We did ok on the hike up but on the hike back we were so slow and we were loosing light so it was kind of scarry, but we made it. It was a ten mile hike round trip. The nbext day I was only going to hike from the camp ground to Semperevern falls and back but once I got that far I wanted to go on and take the Redwood trail because it had been several years since I had done that. I rested a bit and hiked back to camp, took a long shower washed my hair and got ready to go Saturday. I had lots of trouble with the racoons this trip. One time they got inbto the top of my little cooler when I left it out all night. They took out my new box of chocolate and opened and ate all but three of the squares. The next night I was over at my neighbors camp and they opened the bottom of the cooler and ate all of one avacado and left most of the second, they left the onion and the potato alone. Oh yea they unzipped both the top and the bottom of the cooler without ripping it at all. So the next night, during the night they unzipped my tent and came into rummage through the food bags I had in there with me. They spilled my cereal, almonda abd crackers, oh yea and took one vitamine packet and ripped it open and ate the herb foti caps. Then if that wasn't enough they pulled the other plastic bag to the opening of the tent and went outside. The silly racoon was feeling around for the bag when he toughed my toe inside the sleepingbag, which was just enough to wake me and he wan off. I turned on my camp light and cleaned up the mess and threw out all the spilled food. secured the rest and went out to pee and back to sleep. All in all it was a super good trip and the Redwoods especially the Ood Growth Redwoods being my favorite trees in all the world were super wonderful to look up on every morning and night.

Mad at the computer updates

I had written a whole blogg when my computer shut down for updates and I lost the whole thing. That really pisses me off, I was just about to post it and it's just gone. I was really happy with it and now I'll have to try and remember how I wrote it. Shit!!!!

Mother's Day Trip to Pegosa Springs, Co.

Well my last post was to say how sad I was because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to go to Pegosa this year. Not so, I went-Mom wanted to go as badly as I did and she understood that this year I wouldn't be able to pay half as I have the past four years. I was happy to be going and I only had a little money to spend. It's not all that fun with no money, but we just ate in our condo and only went out to eat twice, once to take Vimmie to lunch and to go to dinner for Mother's Day. We brought a lot of food and had most of what we needed. We went to City Market several times to get things we forgot like Mom's ice cream. We went to the Wildlife Park Wed, Friday and Sunday. We sponsor the wolves and have a very special place in our hearts for them. Meekia was her usual self full of licks and love. On Mother's Day she pushed her nose through the fence and was licking me, and I was scratching her neck and head and chin and ears. What a love she is, there were more people there and we had to not pet her when they were around. So she was trying to reach me and so I leaned over as far as I could and she could just reach my forehead. She first just licked my forehead and then she began to preen my hair line and she gently pulled a couple of hairs. It was very gentle and sweet as if she was taking care of me . It made me wonder if she could tell that things were not right in my life. Baha sniffed my fingers and gave me a little lick, not as much as he did last year but it was sweet. He looked really good this year, both of them still had a lot of their winter coat and Baha just looked better than last year. Spirit is the newer addition to the wolf family, he is in the enclosure next to Baha and Meekia. I think I got some really good pictures of all of them. I walked around to see the other animals because I also have a soft spot for Hunter the mountain Lion. When we first came to the Park Hunter was just a cub and he was making a very unlikely sound, unlike any cat noise I've ever heard. I saw him on Friday but he was nowhere to be seen when I walked around on Sunday. We went on three fairly long drives out into the back country. It is so beautiful and I'm thinking about trying to move there. It would be a serious change for me, I'm thinking I would have to get a job for awhile and scout out craft shows and seriously develop a web site for my business. Who knows what is going to happen, the only thing I do know is that I'll loose my home in about 3 months and that will be sooner than I think. This all scares me to death-my stomach is always in an uproar. More on this subject in another post.

SAD

It looks like the Mothers Day trip Mom and I take every year is not going to happen this year, due to my insane financial problems. I just don't have the money to be able to pay for my part. The reason for being so sad is not only am I looking forward to seeing Pagosa but I miss the Wolves Mica and Baha and the new addition Spirit. I Love them so much and it amazes me that from year to year them remember us and get so excited when they hear our voices. My life has been so in the toilet especially this year. I got ripped of at the Quartzsite show and then a couple of really bad weekends at the Bazaar coupled with not working this last weekend because the Encinitas St. Fair was full for the first time in I don't know when. I thought I would be on my way to Az. buy now---this house sold and into a new one. I was looking forward to getting into a place with room to move. I am cramped into this little house and I've had to use the bathtub for storage, which means that I have to move several boxes when I want to shower. So there are a lot of so called sponge bathes, not the same. The other reason I'm so SAD about this trip is that Mom seems to be developing some more unusual symptoms-pains and swellings. I'm worried that she might not be around next year. It seems that several people she knows and just fine and then they turn 84 and they don't last the year. This worries me allot! Its just a crime that stupid money will stop us from having a great time in Colorado this year. I've had so many problems that for one thing I really need a diversion. I don't know I just can't get back on financially secure ground again. Maybe I'm the one that won't be around. I type these words and I feel like I'm complaining to much, but the reality is that everything I do fails or I falls short just my a hair. It sometimes feels like the world doesn't want me in it anymore. In just a few short months I'm going to be homeless with all these cats, my oldest dog Spiffy-who is not doing very well, and Molly, who is my newest rescued dog. It seems all the animals here are rescues, and they just keep coming. It seems that for the first time in all this rescue of animals that when I go shop most of what I get is for them. Cat food-dog food-cat litter-deodorizer for the boxes and cleaner for those messes. Well I've gotten way off the original subject--but then this site is named random thoughts for a good reason. No matter where I begin with the thought I ramble and the thought goes on to the continuing disaster of my life. Who would have thought that this would be how my life would turn out. Wow what a long strange trip it has been. I couldn't resist--sorry. While we're rambling I would just like to say that I miss my little brother Ronnie. Its been 9 years since he passed and I still miss him so much. We had made a pact when we were kids, that whoever went first they would make contact with the other, at least to let the one left that they were OK. Well Ronnie has not made contact with me, not once in all these years. I even see animals that have passed, when they come back to let me know that they are happy to get out of their sick bodies and a free spirit. I was there when Ronnie passed and I did what I said I would, which was to help him out of his sick body. Once his spirit was out of his body it just zoomed off,I watched it go, as I have done with countless animals--Death is the same--for every living entity. In the end you have to do the work to get out but once you're out off you go--at least your spirit--the body is then an empty husk. Wow this has really deepened my Sadness. It's now past 3:00am and I just realized I never ate any dinner. So I need to sign off-get something to eat--feed the animals and get ready for bed and get there. Good night or morning or whatever------------------