What is going on?

Had a very bad conversation with my younger son on Tuesday. It ended badly and I was sad about it but oh well. Then after I made some crocheted hats I went on line and there was an e mail from him. Wow it was cutting to the max, and it made me realize that he really doesn't know me at all. He has some pretty bad and insulting ideas about who I am and how I feel. My state of mind isn't all that good since I'm about to loose my home and I have quite a few cats and two dogs one of which is truly in her last days. We never have been able to really get along and I always held out hope that some day we would put the past where it belongs and get on with being friends. I can say now that I'm not so sure that is possible. Or maybe I'm over reacting but I don't think so, it was bad. So after hashing it over for a day I re-read his e mail and responded. Not that it was a defence, I just wanted him to know just how off he was. I'm sure he will just pass it off as me being in denial. Oh well what is a Mom to do? I'm not good when someone backs me into a corner and tries to tell me how I feel. It's always been a sore spot and usually puts me in a space to just unload on them. As I said I'm not good with this type of treatment. He may or may not read the email sine he is leaving for San Diego tomorrow to help a friend with the Del Mar Fair or as it now known The San Diego County Fair. We are supposed to get together sometime while he is here but I'm not so sure that is a good idea now. I feel more like some distance would be best. I really am on the edge with all the stuff I'm going through and walking on glass with someone is not what I want to do or can do at this time. Sometimes two people, even close family members just have a chemical imbalance that they just can't get around. Any way he has said his piece and I have said mine and it will either clear the air or we might spend some time with no communication. He is 27, although very mature for his age he still lacks the life experience that lets you see the differences between people and even embrace those differences. On the other hand if he really has these feelings about me, and is so sure of how he thinks I feel and my life experiences then we have hit a huge obstacle. This is surely not the direction I wanted to go with this son of mine. He has been the difficult one of the two sons I have. My older son was the perfect baby, never cried, woke up from his naps and played until I heard him Laughing. He was so much fun and when he got a little older and we made our trips to Big Sur, he would roll down the car window as we were driving up the mountain road and yell out "Mountain Mamas Coming Home", at the top of his lung capacity. We were very close and happy until we moved to San Diego. He wasn't happy here and eventually turned to drugs which he never got away from. Now he has been in jail several times and his children have been in foster care for quite some time, He is depressed and not working, because if he goes to work the courts will take three quarters of what he makes to pay back for his jail time and for the foster care time. I don't get that because his x-wife (not sure they are X's yet) is working now and is clean and has the kids back with her. Not a good idea I think, but again the younger son says I should get over my negative feelings towards her so I can be a part of their lives. How do you look past all the misery she and my older son put on those kids, and she on my son. I think it takes a bigger person than me. My younger son was the one that cried and screamed from birth until he was 2 years old. I lost my nerves with that one. I thought he must have colicky, but he didn't. There was no medical reason for it. When he got a little older he threw huge fits and chewed anything wood. I was always afraid he would get splinters in his stomach. We had to take everything wood away from him. Then when he got older he let me know he wasn't happy with the fact that I was his Mom and he wanted to go live with this woman that worked the same craft show in the north county as I did. This escalated into such an issue she actually came to me and said she would take him if I was having such a bad time with him and I told her that I hadn't had any problems with him until she came into his life, which made me wonder just what kind of control she had on him. It was a crazy thing. So now that I've gone over board with the explanation of the two sons and the issues with both of them, what else. I don't know? I guess I'm just a Little numb at this point. I can always re-read the two emails but whats the point its done now and there is no turning back now. It makes me wish I could just get out of here and go to Colorado away from everything I know and everyone I know, with the exception of just a few people. Well this is just a happy blog isn't it???????????

OZZFEST FREE TICS.

Ok so this year Ozzy and Sharon have done a super great thing for all the fans that have Loved and Supported Ozzy and Ozzfest, they have given us a free show tour!!! WOW this is amazing. I bought a Pit ticket last year because I wanted to get hozed by Ozzy, and then he didn't play San Diego. I was really sad about that because I really Love him and I haven't been able to be in the pit for a long time. I know my financial trip has been on a down hill slide since I was injured at the bazaar in 03, and out of work for 7 months. It's been a series of re-financing to try to keep me going and now with the rip off in Quartzsite in January, I'm only three months away from being homeless. I can't believe this and I don't want to dwell on it because it makes me crazy with depression. Ok enough of that and back to Ozzfest. I went on line to get my secret code and set my alarm to get up and get coffee and be on line at 10:00am to get my 2 free tickets. It took some time and I was freaked out when at the very last moment my computer bumped me off the page because of the dialup popup. I was so relieved to get the Email that my tickets were secured. The next day I went to the UPS store and printed out my tickets. Yea!!!!!!! Then the next day I got a request to be friends from Jamez999. That was cool-So I went to Ozzy's site and registered and did some posting with about a gasillion others. It's a fun community of like minded people. There were some people doing the cry baby thing because it took to long to get the free tics. So what, the world really isn't an instant gratification trip, sometimes you have to jump through a few hoops to get what you want, but in the end you get it-isn't that what counts? A lot of the posts were against those cry babies and so it should be. Any way I think this should be fun to keep up with. I picked the show in Devore even though I know it will be super hot on July 21st but the venue is a bit bigger and closer that Shoreline. I look forward to finding some more friends on the site, I hope.

Memorial Day Show in Boulder Cr. in the Santa Cruz Mountains

The show itself was a little slow, I came in about $350.00 under my average and with the gas being so much more I spent about a hundred each way for gas. Because of that I wont be making a trip up there untill Aug. for the Cabrillo Music, Art, and Wine show and then camp the week with my Grandkids during the week. On the way home I will be in the Cambria show I hope, because it's the only good one for me. So I drove up to Big Basin on friday night and even though the rangers said the campgroud was full, Sam the ranger I know did a count and found several sites open and I got one in Semperverns camp ground, site 188. Since my van was full I needed to set up my tent to be able to sleep. Sat there were no sites at all, so I drove to just outside the park and pulled to the back of a big turnaround. I waited untill it got dark to put up my curtains and was getting ready to crawl into my sleeping bag when a fairly large animal jumped up onto my hood and then onto my roof. It walked the full length of the roof then turned around and sort of pranced back, down onto my hood and was gone in a flash. I nevere saw it but in the morning there were some pretty large foot prints on my hood and roof. Because of my connections with cats it was a blessing from the big kitty. I think it was a bobcat or small mountain lion since both are found in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Sunday night I got a space in Blooms Cr. site 136 where Jesse and I camped with my grandkids a few years ago. I just slept in my van since it was already set up for it and I still had to worn one more day. Jesse didn't come to help me tear down and it took me untill after nine to get it all done. I had to go into Jonnies to get wood and kindling milk and a few other things for my camping trip. I didn't want to go into town for anything, oh yea and ice since by now the cold packs were not co9old anymore. So I got up to the ranger station late and my name was the only one on the board and they gave mne the camp site I had asaked for in Sempeerverns, 185. This site was the most premo site I've ever had, with a circle of Old Growth Redwoods around the site. I took many pictures and if I could download them onto my computere I woulod but they are not digital so I don't think I can. So on tuesday I got some neighbors across from me, the girld name in Jesse and her frient was Jim. We went on a long hike on thursday even though Jim and I have the same disabilities. We did ok on the hike up but on the hike back we were so slow and we were loosing light so it was kind of scarry, but we made it. It was a ten mile hike round trip. The nbext day I was only going to hike from the camp ground to Semperevern falls and back but once I got that far I wanted to go on and take the Redwood trail because it had been several years since I had done that. I rested a bit and hiked back to camp, took a long shower washed my hair and got ready to go Saturday. I had lots of trouble with the racoons this trip. One time they got inbto the top of my little cooler when I left it out all night. They took out my new box of chocolate and opened and ate all but three of the squares. The next night I was over at my neighbors camp and they opened the bottom of the cooler and ate all of one avacado and left most of the second, they left the onion and the potato alone. Oh yea they unzipped both the top and the bottom of the cooler without ripping it at all. So the next night, during the night they unzipped my tent and came into rummage through the food bags I had in there with me. They spilled my cereal, almonda abd crackers, oh yea and took one vitamine packet and ripped it open and ate the herb foti caps. Then if that wasn't enough they pulled the other plastic bag to the opening of the tent and went outside. The silly racoon was feeling around for the bag when he toughed my toe inside the sleepingbag, which was just enough to wake me and he wan off. I turned on my camp light and cleaned up the mess and threw out all the spilled food. secured the rest and went out to pee and back to sleep. All in all it was a super good trip and the Redwoods especially the Ood Growth Redwoods being my favorite trees in all the world were super wonderful to look up on every morning and night.

Mad at the computer updates

I had written a whole blogg when my computer shut down for updates and I lost the whole thing. That really pisses me off, I was just about to post it and it's just gone. I was really happy with it and now I'll have to try and remember how I wrote it. Shit!!!!